This week I decided to deviate from the typical posts I've been doing. The past few weeks I've been posting about choosing happiness and talking about our choice to be happy. I feel like just maybe some who read these posts may say, "Well that's good that you can be so happy and choose happiness when you live where you do or have what you have, or do what you do, but for me it's not that simple."In the beginning of the year I felt this need to open up. So I wanted to take this moment to talk about some of the personal struggles that I've faced since I was a teenager. There are many things that we just don't see when we look from the outside in. We don't see the daily struggles or battles that people face.
Depression & Suicide
For me I have struggled with depression ever since my early teens. I still recall the moment when I felt so alone and worthless. I didn't feel good enough and I no longer wanted to live. Since that moment I've struggled so much with this inner battle that no one sees. Many people don't understand what it's like to struggle with depression and overcome suicidal thoughts. Its no easy battle and just trying to overcome them is difficult. To try to just choose happiness isn't as easy as some may believe but I know we can choose to be happy. It takes a lot of effort, pain, sacrifice, frustration, diligence, and consistency.
There are moments where I don't get to choose whether I am depressed or not, these episodes just come. Some may want to think that's not true but for many this is our reality. While there may be some circumstances that influence an episode there are numerous times that we are depressed and we don't know why. There are times when I am depressed which may lead to thoughts of suicide. It is a darkness that encircles me and lies that enter my mind that feel so true and accurate. They come and at times it's hard to get out of the darkness that captures me.
Anxiety
Since moving to San Diego I have developed such an intense feeling of anxiety that I have never felt before. I recall being in college and feeling anxiety so strongly but it only lasted for a moment. This anxiety that I now experience has lasted days on end. For the past three weeks I have felt anxiety for at least two straight days every week.This is new for me to have anxiety and I don't know how to handle it or cope with such feelings. Since I've struggled for so long with depression I know how to handle those moments but when it comes to anxiety it is an unknown area. And to add another complex layer to it, this anxiety induces depression in me. Its a fine line to walk and difficult battle. How do you prevent anxiety from occurring? Or at least what I have been asking myself is what can I do to help lower my anxiety when it does come?
For me to be happy when I am depressed or anxious is extremely hard to do. It takes more strength and energy to overcome these feelings but I am trying and striving for happiness. In the end I know I will be blessed with strength. Some days I fail, but that's okay. It's no easy task but strength and power does come as I strive to do these things.
The percentage for those that suffer from depression has increased. It's easy to get so discouraged and want to give up. It is easy to be negative in a world that is getting worse every minute. But we can choose to be happy. And for those that struggle with depression, discouragement, hopelessness, suicide, and anxiety you are not alone. You are fighting the fight and strength will come to you. "Don't give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead" (Elder Holland, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come").
ResourcesThe Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints recently launched a new website for those who are affected by a mental illness in some way. Below are articles and links to resources for depression and mental illnesses.
Mental Health (new LDS website for mental illnesses)
Choosing to Live: Overcoming Suicidal Thoughts
Dealing with Depression
15 Powerful LDS Resources for Battling Depression
