Choosing Happiness: My Personal Struggle

This week I decided to deviate from the typical posts I've been doing. The past few weeks I've been posting about choosing happiness and talking about our choice to be happy. I feel like just maybe some who read these posts may say, "Well that's good that you can be so happy and choose happiness when you live where you do or have what you have, or do what you do, but for me it's not that simple."

In the beginning of the year I felt this need to open up. So I wanted to take this moment to talk about some of the personal struggles that I've faced since I was a teenager. There are many things that we just don't see when we look from the outside in. We don't see the daily struggles or battles that people face.

Depression & Suicide
For me I have struggled with depression ever since my early teens. I still recall the moment when I felt so alone and worthless. I didn't feel good enough and I no longer wanted to live. Since that moment I've struggled so much with this inner battle that no one sees. Many people don't understand what it's like to struggle with depression and overcome suicidal thoughts. Its no easy battle and just trying to overcome them is difficult. To try to just choose happiness isn't as easy as some may believe but I know we can choose to be happy. It takes a lot of effort, pain, sacrifice, frustration, diligence, and consistency.

There are moments where I don't get to choose whether I am depressed or not, these episodes just come. Some may want to think that's not true but for many this is our reality. While there may be some circumstances that influence an episode there are numerous times that we are depressed and we don't know why. There are times when I am depressed which may lead to thoughts of suicide. It is a darkness that encircles me and lies that enter my mind that feel so true and accurate. They come and at times it's hard to get out of the darkness that captures me.

Anxiety
Since moving to San Diego I have developed such an intense feeling of anxiety that I have never felt before. I recall being in college and feeling anxiety so strongly but it only lasted for a moment. This anxiety that I now experience has lasted days on end. For the past three weeks I have felt anxiety for at least two straight days every week.

This is new for me to have anxiety and I don't know how to handle it or cope with such feelings. Since I've struggled for so long with depression I know how to handle those moments but when it comes to anxiety it is an unknown area. And to add another complex layer to it, this anxiety induces depression in me. Its a fine line to walk and difficult battle. How do you prevent anxiety from occurring? Or at least what I have been asking myself is what can I do to help lower my anxiety when it does come?

Choose Happiness
For me to be happy when I am depressed or anxious is extremely hard to do. It takes more strength and energy to overcome these feelings but I am trying and striving for happiness. In the end I know I will be blessed with strength. Some days I fail, but that's okay. It's no easy task but strength and power does come as I strive to do these things.

The percentage for those that suffer from depression has increased. It's easy to get so discouraged and want to give up. It is easy to be negative in a world that is getting worse every minute. But we can choose to be happy. And for those that struggle with depression, discouragement, hopelessness, suicide, and anxiety you are not alone. You are fighting the fight and strength will come to you. "Don't give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead" (Elder Holland, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come").

Resources
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints recently launched a new website for those who are affected by a mental illness in some way. Below are articles and links to resources for depression and mental illnesses.
Mental Health (new LDS website for mental illnesses)
Choosing to Live: Overcoming Suicidal Thoughts
Dealing with Depression
15 Powerful LDS Resources for Battling Depression
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Choosing Happiness: Newport & Laguna

Last week I started planning a trip to Newport beach and Laguna. It worked out well because I found out that the San Diego temple would be closed for three weeks. My trip included a session at the Newport Beach Temple, so I was grateful that I had the thought to start planning this trip.

Newport 

Newport Beach Temple

The plan was to drive up to the Newport Temple, head over to one of the beaches, then head down to Laguna for a late lunch/early dinner, check out one or two of the beaches and then head back to San Diego.

I made it to the Temple for the 12pm session. The Temple was amazing and so beautiful inside and out. I was amazed at the woodwork inside and was able to peak my head into one of the sealing rooms. It has been a little mission (goal) I've set to find the sealing room that has the extra door within, and it turned out that the one I peaked into had an extra door. (You can read about where I set this goal from here.)

Since, I was in a skirt I decided that it would be best to change before going to the beach. Somehow I managed to rip my yoga pants. Luckily, I packed three different bottoms for this trip. I planned to go boogie boarding in Laguna so I brought a swimsuit and shorts. Since I tend to get cold after boogie boarding I packed sweats. I was well prepared, just not prepared for ripped yoga pants because I had to use a bobby pin to hold the hole together. It managed long enough for me to get to the beach and change.

Corona Del Mar

After the temple I headed over to one of the beaches. I was hoping to go to Newport beach but that was out of the way for me so I decided against it. I ended up at Corona Del Mar which is south of Newport. Here I decided I would change into my swimsuit and shorts. I didn't want to pay for parking so I parked on the hill and made the walk down.

You were able to see the marina and the port. It was amazing to see all the boats coming in and out of the harbor.

I was able to find a bathroom and change. Unfortunately, the day wasn't going my way. I managed to rip my swimsuit while trying to put it on. I must add that these rips were already apparent. The hole in my pants I created that day was just made bigger because there were already a few smaller holes, but a few threads were keeping them together. My swimsuit was already ripped but wasn't completely ripped until this moment at the beach. I just managed to put bigger holes into my clothing. Since, I already had my swimsuit on I decided to keep it on. I was planning on wearing a shirt anyways so no one would know that it was ripped, and it was the back strap that completely ripped apart, so it was still wearable.

Laguna 

The Stand Natural Foods

Once I walked around the beach, climbed a few rocks, and took a few photos I hopped back into the car and drove down to Laguna Beach.

There are not many places I can go out to eat but I was able to find a place in Laguna that had gluten free options. I researched it ahead of time. It was called, "The Stand Natural Foods" which was a small stand attached to a bike shop. You ordered from a window and they had seating outside so you could eat in the nice Southern California weather. I got the Rice and Beans Tostada. It was packed with alfalfa sprouts, I love sprouts (sunflower sprouts specifically), but I was in heaven and loved it. The place is more vegan friendly, which makes it better for me since they don't have a lot of gluten in their facility.

After I was finished eating I headed down to one of the beaches I really wanted to go to before moving out to San Diego.

The beach was packed with people. At one time not many people knew about this beach but since the internet it has been getting more well known with tourists. It's called "1000 Step Beach" not because of all the steps that take to get to the beach but because of all the houses that have stairs that lead down to the beach. I didn't get a picture of all the houses and stairs but there were a LOT of houses and stairs leading to this beach, well over a thousand steps.

Where I dropped my phone

Once I was down on the beach I headed south towards 3 Arch Bay where the tide pools were located. I found a really cool area with rocks and mussels on them so I stopped to take pictures. As I was taking pictures I somehow dropped my phone. It fell into this small hole of water and sunk to the bottom. I quickly stepped into the hole and grabbed my phone out. This area was close to where the water was coming up on shore so I almost lost my sandals in the process of getting my phone.

1000 Step Beach

Luckily, my phone was still functional. It was still on and able to work. A notification kept popping up after that about "accessory unavailable". I'm not sure what this was about but it eventually went away. I am grateful my phone still worked and I was able to use my GPS to get me back to San Diego. The camera still worked too, so I took a few more pictures before leaving.

I ended up not going boogie boarding in Laguna. But considered going down to La Jolla to boogie board or at least catch the sunset. After ripping my pants and swimsuit and dropping my phone into the ocean water I decided to call it a day and head home. I was planning on getting home after dark but when I made it back the sun was just setting so I was able to watch the sunset from my room. I am grateful for an amazing view!

The view from my room

Choosing Happiness
Sometimes life doesn't go the way we planned it would. My Saturday went well but I did not plan on ripping my pants and swimsuit nor did I plan on dropping my phone in the water and struggle to charge it so I could make it back home. It felt like an overcast kind of day. But I choose to hold on to those moments of being in the temple and seeing the beaches.

Sunset on the boat

God gives us amazing things in life and along the way we have little hiccups or road bumps. They all come with life, but we choose how it affects us. Even though we may have had a bad week or a bad day we can choose to be happy in spite of them.

My Sunday started out rough but God gave me moments to choose to hold on to and be happy. I was blessed to get a calling at church, get an interview with a company, and have an amazing view of the sunset.

God does bless us with so many things to be happy and grateful about. But He will never take away our agency to choose (to make choices). We get to choose to be happy and how we react to things not going well during our day. We may have those days where we just don't feel happy and that's okay. Not everyday in our life will be happy, its okay to have those bad days. I definitely had those days this week where I was just sad. That is okay to do! Life is meant to be happy though, so choose to be grateful, choose to smile and laugh, choose happiness!

Ponderize: Matt 7:7

This week I chose to ponder Matthew 7:7 which reads, "Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it will be opened unto you:"

I'm not sure how well I pondered this scripture but I definitely studied it everyday. Now, I need to confess that this is one of the principles I struggle with. It has been a source of struggle because it deals with Heavenly Father's will and there is just something that I am not quite sure what it is but I have some frustration with. I believe that it is probably this scripture that is the source of frustration.

I know that if I ask Heavenly Father for something and it is according to His will I will receive it. I understand that. Even though Heavenly Father's will is going to come to pass doesn't mean we shouldn't ask for things. I understand that I should ask for things and He wants me to ask for things. But I don't understand how people can ask for something and they receive it so quickly. For me I feel like when I ask for something it takes a while. Maybe God is trying to teach me patience and that is the reason why this whole principle frustrates me.

If there is one thing I don't know it is this: I don't know Gods timing or why He doesn't answer some of our prayers in the time and manner we want. But what I do know is that He does answer us, God is a God who knows how to give good gifts because He is perfect and knows what is best for all His children.

Ask, Seek, Knock
Ask-means to pray to Heavenly Father and ask for blessings, talk to him and develop that relationship that is available to you. He is the most perfect being and he sees all things. How incredible it is to talk to a perfect being who knows all things and sees all things, what an advantage we have when we go to Him.

Seek-study it out, search for it, seek after it. Seeking is an action word and there is an effort on our part. What do you seek for? What are you seeking after?

Knock-In my mind I found knocking a combination of asking and seeking. I was reminded of how on a mission missionaries would knock on doors seeking to find individuals ready and seeking to hear the gospel. For missionaries they pray to Heavenly Father in the morning asking to find those who are prepared then they go out seeking for them by knocking doors.

One of the greatest lessons I learned on my mission was that when I was actively seeking and doing all that I could, working, God would bless us to find individuals. Most of the time we didn't find people by knocking doors but it showed to Heavenly Father that we were willing to do our part and He would bless us for that.

D&C 9:8
"You must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right."

Asking+Seeking=Knocking

Knocking requires us to ask in prayer and seek by studying and working it out in our minds. It is a process in which we come to Heavenly Father. I believe God wants us to depend on him but not become so dependent on him that we can't make our own decisions.

Even though I get frustrated with this principle at times I know God answers my prayers. There are times He answers quickly and sometimes those things I ask for are not answered until later on in life but He does answer. I know in the moments that God does not answer me right away is because He is trying to teach me something greater. Maybe there is something more for us to learn in those moments God does not answer our prayer?

Choosing Happiness: La Jolla

I must admit that this blog post and the others that follow after its manner are more for me to document my life and time here in San Diego. Later down the road it will provide me with an overall view of how I am choosing happiness now by being actively engaged in living life. For all who may read these posts about my choosing happiness I hope you may find the simple enjoyment as I do in living after the manner of happiness (see 2 Nephi 2:27),

La Jolla
Friday, after my interview, I headed up to La Jolla to attend a session in the San Diego temple. I've loved this temple since I saw it for the first time as a little girl. It seems like a dream to say this is the temple I attend. It's beauty is breath taking and I am in awe every time my eyes gaze upon it. I sat in the celestial room for some time, embracing the peace and quietness that presides within those sacred walls. I truly needed that moment there in the celestial room. San Diego is a big city and it's never ending hustle is exhausting. It was calming to get away from the noise and hustle of the city. 

Sunset at La Jolla Shores

Afterwards, I went shopping and then ended up at La Jolla shores to watch the sunset. As I watched the sunset I had the thought that I don't get these experiences in Madison. How grateful I am to be here and partake in the beauty that surrounds me. Sitting on the beach my mind and body came in tuned with the surroundings. The sound of the crashing of waves with the rolling water to the shore mixed with the sent of salt water in the air was so relaxing and tranquil. 

Black Beach
Saturday I decided I wanted to go boogie boarding. I planned to go to Mission Beach but remembered there was a trail in La Jolla I wanted to hike which ended at the coast. The trail was carved out by surfer's years ago, who attended the university in La Jolla.

So the plan was to get up in the morning and hike the trail to the beach and boogie board. The hike has amazing views of the ocean, but was pretty intense. On the way down wasn't bad but on the way back up was a challenge, it didn't help that I was tired from boogie boarding. But I made back in one piece with minor cuts and bruises and a hurt ego from slipping off a rock, luckily no broken bones and no one witnesses.

View from the trail looking to Black Beach

It is a secluded beach where local surfers go, but to my astonishment where people went to bear all. Just north of where the trail ended was a nude beach, hence the secluded part. I made sure to stay a fair distance away from that area. But I had so much fun boogie boarding and doing what I love the most when I go to the beach. I am so grateful to be blessed with these moments to explore San Diego and do things that make me happy.
             Happiness is a choice.

Ponderize 2 Nephi 5:27

Coming to San Diego wasn't necessarily my choice, my heart was set on Utah but I learned that Utah wasn't the Lords will for me. Acting on faith and trust in Christ I came to San Diego, but I wasn't happy and this past week was still difficult. I felt an intense feeling of homesickness and an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, I wasn't happy.

Being aware of my unhappiness I chose this scripture from 2 Nephi 5:27 which states, "And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness." 

On my mission, one of my companions shared with me the pattern of happiness Nephi speaks of in 2 Nephi chapter 5. In being aware of my unhappiness and homesickness I thought it would be valuable to study this chapter to better understand this verse and know what I can do to live after the manner of happiness. 

There are at least 10 things Nephi states within the chapter that influences their manner of happiness. My challenge to all who read this is to do your own study of this chapter and find those 10 things Nephi talks about. 

San Diego Temple

I decided to write Nephi's 10 things down on a piece of paper and then come up with my own 10 things. Some are similar to what Nephi talks about but there are a few that differ. 

My Manner of Happiness (10 Things)

1. Study/read scriptures

2. Keep journal/gratitude

3. Pray every morning and night

4. Attend Church

5. Attend Institute every week

6. Attend Temple once a week

7. Exercise/run

8. Serve someone

9. Honor my covenants

10. Explore/discover one new thing about the area

There were a couple of things that I knew would help me feel happiness here in San Diego. Those were: attend institute, attend the temple, serve someone, go to church, and find one new thing I didn't know before about area I live in.

Choosing to be Happy

Many of us believe that we can't be happy or think that we will be happy once something happens or stops happening. "When I get a job I will be happy." "When I get married I will be happy." "I will be happy when....." The list goes on but the truth of the matter is that we can chose to be happy now, no matter what happens. It is our choice to be happy and we can do things that will create happiness within us. 

Coronado Island overlooking Downtown San Diego

I really focused on exploring more of San Diego. After class on Thursday I drove to Coronado Island to sit on the beach. Coronado is the one place that holds memories for me with family. I ended up on the east side of the island looking out to downtown San Diego. Memories came back to me and as I sat there on the beach I was reminded of Madison for the first time since leaving. An overwhelming emotional peace came over me and I felt so much love from my Father in Heaven. 

Moments can provide us with happiness but we also need to be active in achieving happiness. I wasn't going to be happy sitting in my room the entire weekend wishing I was back home in the comfortability of Wisconsin. There were things I could to do be happy. And there are things you can do to feel happiness.

"Happiness is a condition of the soul. This joyous state comes as a result of righteous living." Benjamin De Hoyos "True Happiness: A Conscious Decision"

"So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment....We can't direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. For maximum happiness, peace, and contentment, may we choose a positive attitude." President Thomas S. Monson "Living the Abundant Life" 

Ponderize: Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord
Two weeks ago as I studied about hope this scripture from Proverbs 3:5-6 kept coming up. Due to its reoccurrence in my study I decided to make it the point of my pondering this week.

Proverbs 3:5-6 reads:
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

I did not know then what this past week would hold for me, but I soon found out.

Grad School
In January I applied to a grad program at BYU, and in March I found out that I did not get in, even though I had a 64% chance of acceptance. I thought I was suppose to be in Utah and I really wanted to be in Utah, so I was left baffled and dumbfounded.

The view from campus, looking out to Mission Bay

The day I found out that I didn't get into BYU I looked into the University of San Diego to find out when their deadlines were. I applied and eventually found out that I got accepted. People told me how lucky I am to be able to live in paradise but the reality of it was anything but paradise.

Behind it all I had no desire to move to San Diego, or even live in California. California is expensive and I didn't know anyone in San Diego.

Before leaving for Wisconsin I had enough money to make it to my families place in the San Joaquin valley and then to San Diego. I didn't have money for food, housing, or transportation, and I still didn't have housing in San Diego. In my mind I came up with the worst case scenario which was I would be homeless sleeping in my car until someone felt pity for me.

A week before I was suppose to go down to San Diego I still didn't have housing set up and no money to pay for anything. I was still looking for a job but had a possible position lined up. The Friday I was leaving I booked a hotel room for three nights. I had gotten into contact with a girl about possibly getting a place but things were not set in stone.

I remember thinking how stupid I was to do something like this because it seemed foolish. Who in their right mind would pack up and move to a city they didn't know anyone, have a place to live, or even have a job lined up. The only thing going for me was I was going to grad school.

Why would I do such a thing?
I had a trust in the Lord. I felt and knew that if this was where I needed to be then I needed to be there. And if that is true then God would provide a way.

This past week this scripture to trust in the Lord was more of an applicational pondering than a meditative pondering. I had to show forth my trust in ways that were difficult and uncomfortable. I felt scared, nervous, and afraid. But it was that faith and knowledge that I had in the Lord that allowed me to take that leap of faith, to trust Him and go to San Diego.

Nephi obtaining the plates of brass.

Things did work out. I know God is a fourth watch God and when everything seems hopelessly impossible it is in that moment that He provides a way. I was able to get housing and readjust my schedule so I could pay for housing. Things did not workout how I hoped they would but the Lord provided the perfect way for everything to work out. He further allowed me to strengthen my faith and trust in Him, which has strengthened may relationship with Him knowing that He is my Eternal Father in Heaven who always provides for me.

While going through the trial I was blessed with moments reminding me of individuals in the scripture who exemplified trust in the Lord.

Those who showed trust in the Lord:

• Nephi in obtaining the plates-1 Nephi 3-4
• Peter as he got out of the boat and started to walk on water-Matthew 14:28-29
• Moses leading the children of Israel-Exodus 14

"To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning (see Prov. 3:5-7). To produce fruit, your trust in the Lord must be more powerful and enduring than your confidence in your own personal feelings and experience." -Elder Richard G. Scott "Trust in Lord" GC Oct. 1995

We find countless examples in the scriptures of individuals trusting God. God does provides a way, even when it seems impossible and hopeless. There is always a way with the Lord.